Always a Runner - This Time with ahimsa

“I always start these events with very lofty goals, like I’m going to do something special.  And after a point of body deterioration, the goals get evaluated down to basically where I am now- where the best I can hope for is to avoid throwing up on my shoes.” 

 -Ultrarunner Ephraim Romesberg, quoted in Born to Run by Christopher McDougall

It’s one of those absolutely perfect days – 76 degrees with a lovely breeze, sun shining brightly without a cloud to be seen, so I decide to go for a little stroll.

The urge to jog a bit moves me as Florence and the Machine urge me to “run fast for my mother, run fast for my father.”  After about a mile, my body tells me take a chill, go back to walking, so I do for a short while.  But then, Enrique Iglesias starts singing how he “likes it” and oh, I like it too.  So I ran about another half mile, immediately stopping right before feeling pain – for the first time in this run.

I’ve always swung like a pendulum – either I’m running like crazy and just making it hurt and running again and again until it doesn’t or I’m telling myself I shouldn’t hurt myself and not running at all, not doing much besides gentle yoga and claiming I’m being kind to myself.

The yogic law of ahimsa (“Nonviolence”) means “do no harm” to yourself or to others.  In a recent yoga class, the teacher mentioned that ahimsa not only means not pushing yourself to pain, but it also means knowing how far you can push.  You are actually hurting yourself if you’re holding back from what you can become, from reaching your fullest potential.

I wanted to tell you all about how that was the first time I worked ahimsa into a balanced run… until I still hurt myself.  It was my hip and after a day of massaging it, everything was fine. 

And now I’m going to try again tomorrow, believing, “With each step I touch the earth lightly to do her no harm, and she in turn does me no harm.” (From The Yamas and Niyamas)

Breaking the Rules of Fear

I didn't really notice this until now, but I have always had a lot of rules about under what conditions I will do things. For instance, to run outside it must be 60-75 degrees and sunny. To practice yoga, I need at least to be able to put my arms out without touching someone else. Otherwise, I'd try to sneak out the door when no one was looking or I would decide not to enjoy the practice (I know! It's so un-yogic.)

Lately, the universe has been breaking my rules.

What could be cooler than a yoga class with black lights, glow sticks, Pink Floyd's Dark Side of the Moon, and The Wizard of Oz? My husband, Vida, even agreed to come along. According to his rules, these unconventional classes are the only way I can get him to yoga. We were discussing on the way what we expected from the class. Of course, there would be lots of slow and gentle movement so that we could watch the movie and enjoy the fun. I was just hoping it would not be too gentle as it counted for my workout for the day.

When we walked into the room, I had to reign in my panic as at least 40 yogis were packed wall to wall with their mats touching. The MATS WERE TOUCHING. Not only could I not spread my arms, I would actually have to share breathing space. If Vida weren't there, I probably would have run. You know, a gentle, sneaky, graceful yogi sprint.

As I looked around at all the rippling muscles and flat abs, realizing that I was probably the heaviest person in the class, I also noticed that the room was unusually warm. On purpose. Hot air was gushing from the vents. I said "uh oh" and explained to Vida that this just might be "hot yoga," meaning it would likely be a little more of a workout than we anticipated. I planted myself on my mat, trying to burrow underground in my mind, and just kept breathing, deciding to ride this out, mentally chaining myself so my body wouldn't betray me and start running.

"Hey yogis, please skooch a little closer, we need to fit five more people in,"cooed the lithe, supermodel yoga teacher.

I wanted to scream, "MY RULES ARE BEING BROKEN! THIS IS NOT ACCEPTABLE!" as I improved my mile time on the journey out. Instead I mentally crawled under my mat and hung on.

The class was immediately challenging as the pace picked up and the postures grew harder and faster. I was surprised to find that I loved it. Sharing the breathing space with the others, feeling the energy in the room pick up, knowing that all those fit people were sweating and breathing hard just like me. I felt strong, graceful. Just when I thought it was winding down and my muscles were shaking, it just kept going and going. FOR TWO HOURS. Later, the teacher commented, "Oh, that was the extended version of the movie, I didn't know that." Another surprise for all of us from the universe. There were even times where we had to "put your hand on your neighbors back for balance" and even hold hands - an absolute breaking of my yoga personal space rule. But it was great.

Finally, completely spent in savasana on the mat, I smiled and sent prayers of gratitude, glowing with amaizngness when a completely unexpected version of Somewhere Over the Rainbow played, sung by my favorite artist, Tori Amos. It was perfection. And I lost two pounds overnight.

 

If I had followed my rules, I would have missed out on this completely.

Later the same weekend, Vida and I were registered to run a 5K at the local high school. I had been vigilantly checking the weather, dismayed that it would be only 42 degrees. Way below my threshold and colder than I've ever run in, but I decided it would be okay.

When we woke up, it was 23 degrees instead. "Nope." I said, "there's no way this is happening." I remembered my doctor telling me at age 10 never to go outside without a scarf over my mouth under 40 degrees because it was bad for my sinuses. I imagined the razor-cold air forcing me into immediate pneumonia. What normal human being would do this? No one would fault me for backing out, I didn't HAVE to do this, I hadn't even told many people about it. My world would not be adversely affected except for having to do my planned 3 miles on the boring treadmill.

Vida started playing Rocky music and telling me that "Rocky didn't worry how cold it was while running over mountains in Russia." I looked at him like he'd just asked me to try a bite of a fluffy bunny and said rather eloquently that I "didn't give an F what Rocky would do," I could be warm in my bed. But I couldn't get back under the covers. For one, Vida looked like he was going to the race that was my idea without me. But also, there was something inside me that wasn't actually going to let me out of it. So I got dressed.

When we arrived, everyone seemed to be a high school student or an athlete. I again realized that "normal people" don't run races in frigid temperatures. The fear came that everyone would be faster and I would be running alone and get lost on the course. Again that I would die from breathing icicles. The race director cautioned us all to watch our step for ICE. But I decided to just start running and not stop and not worry about anything else.

Immediately upon starting, breathing ice cold air sucked. It hurt. My nose started dripping uncontrollably (thank God for gloves and long sleeves.) Seemingly everyone did run past me, continuously. My headphones broke and I could hardly hear Eye of the Tiger. But I just kept going. Eventually, I got used to the air and the snot stream. I found my steady pace and even passed a walker or two (who later passed again when they sped up.) Vida had been in a heat behind me and he eventually pulled up beside me, again making me consider that I might be the slowest person who ever ran. Together we put one foot in front of the other, chasing the teenagers and rasping on ice. My legs wanted to stop, but we charged into the stadium, finally making the last lap to finish.

Not my most glamorous finish...

It was my worst time ever, by about 2 1/2 minutes. It was cold. It hurt. But I cried with pride and joy at facing my rule-breakers and winning against my fears. And also, coming back to race after nearly 3 years of not running. It can only get better.

So I've found that there is joy in breaking the rules. There is pride in digging way deeper than my comfort zone and discovering pieces of myself that are way stronger than I ever imagined.
I will no longer let fear make my decisions for me. Bring it on!

Running for My Life

Running a few miles has always been a symbol of strength and great health for me, of overcoming painful limitations. After chronic pain from multiple car accidents, each recovery was checked off as I reached the 2, 3, 6 mile marks with a smile and a fist pump in the air. Each winter hibernation ended with a trusty 2 mile reunion with my body. I am that weirdo on the hamster wheel (treadmill, whatever) with a big, goofy grin as I sweat because to me running is freedom. It means that my body is strong and free and that makes me happy, even as I grunt, drool, and wheeze through that last quarter mile.

I was feeling stronger than ever, healthy and free and light. Until the Really Bad Stuff happened. I entered a dark time of anger with my body, surgeries, recoveries, and tears. I was stripped of my power and crippled with fear and panic. I kept telling myself I was okay, telling family and friends "I'm fine, drop it."

Looking back, I can now see that I was not fine. I was muddling in molasses, the dark time lasting 2.5 years. I would panic on the way to yoga class and drive home. I would plan to run and then simply run in the opposite direction of the gym, hiding on the couch. My body and personal power grew weaker and weaker, making the thought of ever running again increasingly overwhelming.

When I showed up for my first day of personal training, the fear was heavy in my gut. I felt like it could actually kill me if I walked through the door. I took a deep breath. I did it anyways. I vowed that I would just show up, I would see what was hiding deep inside me, and I would pray the angel of death to pass over me as I held plank pose for what seemed like forever.

About 6 weeks since I walked through that door, I am changed. The hope is settling in that even if I'm still not completely okay, that I can and will be more than okay soon. The promise of power is coursing through me, prana flowing as I just keep breathing.

(Cue Chariots of Fire)

Last week, I just kind of felt like running 2 miles after a pretty challenging yoga class. So I did. Then, this past weekend I thought I'd just see if I might be ready for a 5K this coming weekend by going for the 3 mile run. If you're not a yogi, this may sound crazy to you, but I even patted my body, thanking it for the strength, loving it for all of its miraculous glory. And then the impossible happened. Sweating, wiping snot from my nose with my sleeve, wheezing, grunting, gasping, I just kept going. 2.75 miles and I sped up, letting my legs fly out in huge strides of freedom.

3 miles!

If the other gym members knew what that moment meant (instead of thinking how gross that she wiped her nose with her sleeve), they would have been cheering. If my life were a movie, it would be a major scene in the comeback montage. My life is not a movie, so instead it was just the goofy smile as the tears snuck out of the corners of my eyes and the feeling gently washed over me that I might finally be okay again, stronger even.

It's more than "working out." It's showing up, facing my fears and weaknesses over and over again and proving to myself that I'm so much stronger than I knew. That I have, and always will, overcome. Just breathing, healing, showing up, running it off, letting it go. Letting it go. Letting me grow.

A Mummy's Guide to Freedom

 

"And the day came when the risk
to remain tight in a bud
was more painful than the risk
it took to blossom."
-Anais Nin

 

I feel these protective layers smothering me. At first they were light, floating, gossamer sheaths of chiffon that I gently cloaked around myself, dancing, winking playfully at life. Then came the thicker materials: burlap, leather, drywall, the hair shirt, the ironclad ball and chain around the ankle.

It's natural- scary things happen to us in life. We fall down unexpectedly, we fight, we fail, we are betrayed, abandoned, overwhelmed by loss. The subconscious starts enfolding us in these lovely protective layers when we need them. But what happens when we don't let them go once the need has passed?

As the armor grows heavier, the movement of the body slows. The mind reaches for external comfort, creating its own layer of protective fog and busyness. The spirit grows heavy, sad.

Even our earth is now frozen over, protecting her seedlings, her bounty. My toes long to dig warmly into the strength of her soil.

I hear the urgent whisper, "Let go, let go, let go..."

There is no telling how many times we need to go through this process. Once we've sorted through and let go of all the "stuff," life is still happening, constantly changing no matter how tightly we are gripping. We must always re-evaluate: what am I clinging to? What layers are holding me back?

Practical steps I am taking right now to peel back the layers:

- It all started with the cleanse. First, I freed the digestive flow inside and have paid closer attention to how to feed my body instead of smothering it. Giving up animal products has helped me align my actions with the spirit of my heart. By giving up the dairy products that I'd been eating with a severe allergy, I'm physically removing layers from my sinuses that were literally blocking my primal, root chakra sense of smell. What an obvious layer between me and the experiences of the world. Goodbye!

-I am beginning to move more with physical exercise to peel back what I've jokingly referred to as my "layer of pizza." For extra incentive, I've signed up for a weight loss competition and have enrolled in personal training sessions with my friend and talented trainer, Samantha Jackson at the awesome YDM gym.

-To gain better clarity, I am turning inward. For Lent, I've "given up" the chatter of my Facebook newsfeed so that instead of focusing on the lives of others, I can ask myself how to truly make my own life shine to the best of my ability.

 "When we seek answers outside ourselves, we go deeper into the wilderness, further from home." - Meditations from the Mat

 -I'm reading The 21-Day Consciousness Cleanse by Debbie Ford. I've tried this before and wasn't ready. I hope that I am now! Cheers to Day 1.

-I've been leading a Chakra series and as I teach others how to release old habits to find power and balance emotionally, amazing things have been happening as I go through the process again myself, letting go of fears, doubts, and past traumas.

-In an effort to open my heart, I am sharing this experience with you in the hope that it can help.

What You Can Do:

-Make some time for yourself to sit quietly and journal and/or meditate as you explore your desires, dreams, and life. Journal on what your fears are and how you can overcome them. Hint: Step one is affirming that you choose to let it go. Journal on your life's dreams and what holds you back. Without the pressure of forcing yourself to give these things up immediately, simply allow yourself to imagine what your life could look like if you did let go of the negative and you could thrive as your ideal self, realizing your wildest goals.

-Determine the proper balance and identify your own layers. Notice if it's a heavy layer of inertia (more time on the couch, a couple of extra pounds) or if it's a layer of frantic busy-ness and constant motion. If the thought of sitting quietly for an hour or taking a gentle, lay on the floor yoga class makes you angry, that's a good indicator that you need to slow down. If you feel like you are in a layer of SAD, winter molasses, get moving regularly and create a routine for yourself. If you're patting yourself on the back for your rigid routine that never budges, create a little freedom by trying something new- get a massage, dance in your living room instead of going to the gym one evening a week, take a bath.

-Find a healing practice for yourself with a practitioner you trust to help shed the emotional and spiritual barriers with guidance. This could be Body Wisdom, Reiki, Counseling, working with the Angels, yoga, working through the chakras, Emotional Release with essential oils,  even getting a massage. To take the best care of others, you must first take care of yourself. Ideal healing arts sessions help you to better know yourself and grow.

-Consider a cleanse to take some of the energy off your digestion so you can focus inward. This is a great way to notice and honor your body and its needs. You can begin with Day 1 of the cleanse on this blog or find one that works for you. Whole 30 is another great cleanse I've heard about. I'm beginning the Master Cleanse (cayenne lemonade) on March 7th and the instructions will be available here, too.

-Take a break from the media. Limit your TV time- perhaps even take a day or two off per week. Either give up Facebook/Twitter/Instagram, etc. completely for 21-40 days or give yourself a time limit each day that you strictly adhere to. Limit time spent on emails and YouTube as well. If this thought makes you feel completely frantic, it is very, very necessary. You will be amazed by the perspective when/if you choose to come back.

-Read Light. You can choose self-study through gorgeous spiritual books, like Peace is Every Step by Thich Nhat Hanh or Anatomy of the Spirit by Carolyn Myss. Choose books that lift your spirit and open your mind, especially those that instruct on letting go and being present. Message me if you want more- this is one of my favorite pastimes!

Keep in mind that our layers have layers, born of layers that were layered over layers. This work is like peeling an onion and as you go deeper, you learn things you never could have imagined. When you are ready, the layer starts to peel. Then it's up to you to really dig in there. And it's WORTH IT!

Down the Slippery Pita Slope

It was just a tiny piece of pita bread.

I was so proud of myself, practicing such moderation. I took the tiny quarter of a pita triangle and even ripped it in half, separating the double layers so that I could have two tiny feast-like triangles for my hummus.

Smug, I bragged about my new "balance," this amazing self control.

But then, the cravings came. One stupid quarter of a pita started the craziness, the raving mad NEED for more. I started fantasizing about pizza dripping with cheese, giant steaks. I almost had an egg until I pictured myself crying into my breakfast.

By the third day, Sunday, I actually started chewing on my husband, telling him how much I "needed" to sink my teeth into some meat. Wide-eyed, he ushered me into the car to go out to eat, understanding how dangerous a situation we were in.

After giving myself permission to order a steak, I opted instead for (surprise) an Italian meal. I dove face-first into the fluffy bread, ordered the fried everything platter as an appetizer, then shoveled delightful cavatelli into my ever chewing, ever smiling mouth.

That damn pita triangle.
Of course, I felt awful. I even had a couple of bites (moderation!) of fried cheese, which immediately became a sinus headache and a couple of metal knots slowly winding through my intestines.
 
5 weeks on this glorious cleanse and I thought I was ready for moderation.

Those few bites of delicious pita bread and the white flour was coursing through my body, begging for more.

According to Dr. David Perlmutter, neurologist, 

"Just like Oreos, there are chemicals in gluten and wheat that stimulate the same parts of the brain that are responsive to morphine."

This is why I have to keep going the route of super discipline. Unfortunately for me, there is no "moderation" concerning gluten products. And I'm shocked by the way the flour made me crave meat, all things fried, and everything I had given up- even sugar and alcohol!

I joked 5 minutes after the gluttonous meal and said, "Now for the self-loathing," but that was exactly what happened, even after all of my advice not to be hard on ourselves when slipping up on cravings.

That darn pita? NOT WORTH IT. Back to my cleanse diet without exception. The slippery slope is just too slick!

Note: There were no animals harmed in this meal! Still vegetarian for over 5 weeks now. Even when I want to eat the meat, I can't go through with it. It feels really good to live my beliefs, helping the earth in being a little lighter and brighter.

Are you there Wellness? It's Me, Laura

It’s been over a week since the cleanse “ended” and Guess what? I’m still going! Feeling much better, I’m still following the rules in my actual, daily life. This is a first! In the past, whenever discipline has numbered days, I’m counting down and getting ready to pat myself on the back, then go joyously face first into to old habits (like cheese pizza!) But this time it really clicked that those habits weren’t serving me anymore.

I was fantasizing about eggs- that was one of the hardest things for me to give up. But once I gave myself permission to have it, my conscience decided to stay consistent with my values. I just couldn’t stop thinking about the male baby chicks. And now I feel stronger, more happy, more me.

This is a little embarrassing, but I’ve even been making an effort to give myself pats on the shoulders, the legs, to tell my body that I love it and that I love taking good care of it. I almost feel like I have to reassure my body that it can trust me again after all I’ve put it through.

What’s been really eluding and annoying me is that I’m still tired. I thought about writing a displeased letter to Ms. Kathy Freston of the 21 Day Quantum Wellness Cleanse until I remembered what I did differently last time. I was exercising like a maniac, running 10Ks, going regularly to yoga, and lifting weights.

In my head, I know the benefits of getting moving. I’ve blogged about it and have even called it “the secret to life” when active. But oh, to get a body out of its inertia. When I’m exercising regularly, I wonder how or why I ever stopped, but when I’m not, I wonder how or why I was able to choose that over the couch.

As usual, BKS Iyengar helped put the importance into perspective for me:

“As long as the body is not in perfect health, you are caught in body consciousness alone. This distracts you from healing and culturing the mind. We need sound bodies so we can develop sound minds.”

So, knowing how my mind works and the power of healthy rewards, I joined a weight loss challenge at my gym. It’s a Biggest Loser kind of thing, where the person who loses the highest percentage of weight will win a trip to Vegas! It goes until May and has really been helping me to get moving. I’m feeling more energy creeping back and I’m getting excited. It may not be the most balanced thing in the world to join a weight-loss focused event like this, but now that better nutrition is in place,I can focus on my next big challenge and I know, just like with the cleanse, I’ll be carrying better habits into my daily routine. And that's where the balance comes in.

“So while you are sweating and aching, let your heart be light and let it fill your body with gladness. You are not only becoming free, but you are also being free. What is not to be glad about? The pain is temporary. The freedom is permanent.”  -BKS Iyengar, Light on Life

It's easy to be discouraged by the “temporary” pain. The muscles start crying, then the brain says, “why have you let this happen again, you …?!” But this time, I’m not listening. I have a contest to win. Patting and massaging those aching muscles and telling my body it will all be okay, I’m gonna keep on going, still digging for that Wellness, that fabulous friend named Health. I can hear her whispering nearby…

Day 21- The Beginning

“What we eat is a matter of life and death. Food is who we are.” – Scott Jurek, Ultra marathoner

This may sound dramatic after only 21 days, but I am changed. I feel lighter, gentler, more myself. I learned with my heart and body, not just my mind this time.

I thought I would never give up eggs, but I just can't stop thinking about the baby chicks that aren't needed. I thought I could never go without gluten but I honestly haven't missed it. I've just become more creative in the kitchen! Egg substitutes for baking are bananas and ground flaxseed with water. I made my first pizza without cheese or even cheese substitute (recipe below.) I felt like I was on the food network, whipping up this delicious, gourmet beauty.

I'm feeling excited about committing to this diet long-term, though it was in no way my original intention. I just wanted to lose some weight and reset my system with a cleanse. But I am not the same person who started 21 days ago, desperately needing a change. Iyengar's "disciplined happiness" is taking on more meaning as this new sense of balance finds me smiling more. But gently...genuinely.

“Genetically and structurally, we are designed to thrive on plant foods…Plants store the sun’s energy, which we receive by eating them. If you can, just picture the light energy from the sun beaming down to the vegetables and fruits, and as we eat those foods, imagine that energy being transmitted into our bodies. Our nervous systems are maintained and stimulated by this light. What an amazing gift from nature- to be able to eat such pure foods that give our bodies so much!” – Skinny Bitch

The sunshine is now running through my body, feeding my cells, despite the heavy Ohio blizzard outside.

I find myself now agreeing with Benjamin Franklin:

“My refusing to eat flesh occasioned an inconveniency, and I was frequently chided for my singularity, but, with this lighter repast, I made the greater progress, for greater clearness of head and quicker comprehension.”

Since this all started from Kathy Freston's Quantum Wellness Cleanse, I find it fitting to close this 21 day experiment using her very appropriate words: 

“Now you know just how powerful you are. Now you know that you are the healer who can heal yourself and extend that healing out into the world. May you be well and thrive in every respect, and may you use this foundation of power to help move us all forward.”

This is one of my favorite foods I've ever invented (today.) It was so rich and indulgent I did not miss the cheese (really!) And all because I ran out of marinara sauce and had to get creative!

A New and Fabulous Pizza

 

 Ingredients
Namaste Foods Gluten Free Pizza Crust Mix (follow instructions on bag)
2 cups arugula
2 TB earth balance butter substitute
1 large sweet onion, cut in thin strips
3 cloves fresh garlic, peeled and chopped
1 red pepper from jar
3/4 cup sundried tomatoes
2 TB coconut cream concentrate
1/4 cup raw almonds
1/4 cup cherry tomatoes, halved
salt, oregano, garlic powder, rosemary
2 TB + 2 tsp olive oil

Instructions:
Preheat Oven to 450 degrees and make crust in the meantime.

Caramelize onions in the Earthbalance butter. Toss the arugula with 1-2 tsp of the olive oil, some salt and pepper, then set aside to wilt a bit.

Make the sauce: Add garlic, red pepper, sundried tomatoes, coconut cream concentrate, almonds, and about 4 cherry tomatoes in a food processor. Drizzle the 2 TB olive oil and grind until it's a thick, creamy paste.

Spread the sauce over the crust when it's ready. Add the onions and remaining tomatoes and bake for 10 minutes.

Remove from oven and add the wilted arugula.

*I also drizzled with a nice pecan-flavored balsamic. A sweet balsamic adds nice flavor to the arugula.

*If you can't find the Namaste brand crust, you would probably want lower the temperature of the oven to 375-400 and follow the instructions for how long to bake it. Since the one I used is a thin crust and goes from a batter to actually baking the crust, the higher temperature was needed.

If you would like more information on going vegan or vegetarian, there is some great info at Goveg.com and you can even order a free vegetarian starter kit.
If you enjoyed this 21-day program, another one that I would strongly recommend (that I have done several times and really like) is PCRM's 21-Day Vegan Kick Start. They share delicious recipes for breakfast, lunch, and dinner for all 21 days.